One Flight Missing
by Meredith McGarrett
Summary: Post 11x19 Crazy Love / 11x20 One Flight Down Meredith worries over Derek and his unknown whereabouts after she gets a concerning call from the White House, telling her Derek never showed up ... Meredith/Derek Meredith/Alex friendship


**One Flight Missing  
**

* * *

**Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it.**

* * *

**Love. Neuroscience tells us that it activates the same parts of the brain as habit forming addiction. It makes us feel like we can do anything. Be anything. Achieve anything. And once we taste it, we want more … And when it's bad it hurts so much and if you can't find a way to bounce through all these ups and downs it will make you crazy** …

* * *

_11.15 a.m._

"His flight probably just got delayed or something." Meredith stayed calm at the outside but not in the inside. In the inside she was a utter mess. After Meredith ended the phone call with the presidential's people in D.C. she curtly answered Amelia's question, then she disappeared without looking back. Amelia watched Meredith disappear. Meredith felt Amelia's glances in her back but never bothered to look back. Meredith's mind was working in overdrive after she had gotten that call from the president.

Maybe his flight got delayed and he was hanging around at the airport waiting to board his plane - but then he'd most certainly called the White House. He would have called her and them.

She can't afford losing him now when they just figured out their crap. Derek was coming back for them. For Meredith, for the kids. Maybe there was a simple explanation for Derek missing his meeting - or his plane could have crashed, the Balxbox got destroyed during the crash - Meredith's mind already figured out worst-case-scenarios.

_Calm down, you don't know anything for sure yet, _Meredith tried to keep her mind off the fact that Derek was missing.

She couldn't believe that this was happening again.

Again. Planes were supposed to not crash, to be safe, a fact she wouldn't rely on since their plane crashed.

Meredith couldn't believe that this was really happening. It felt like an put of body experience. Meredith walked through the hospital corridors, searching for an empty supply room. She wanted to be alone. Alone with her thoughts. When she found an empty supply, she felt the freaking need to hole herself up in some corner in the supply room.

She was relieved that the supply room was dark and she was alone. Nobody disturbing her or asking her what was going on.

She knew it was probably nothing but this brings back memories from the plane crash. She can't help but think that it's all happening again. Derek never made it to D.C., he never made it to his meeting with the president. After that meeting he was supposed to be returning to Seattle - safely. Why does this keep happening to them?

Meredith had no idea, she was freaked by all the maybes and no definites.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled out her phone, her finger hovering over Derek's name in her address book. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know whether he answered or not. Him not answering the phone would make her even more freaked than she was now. But what if he answers? That would give her immediate relief.

Oh, screw it.

She hit the call button.

Desperately waiting for Derek's voice. She needed to hear his voice, now.

But it went straight to voicemail. "Come on Derek answer your freaking phone Derek." Meredith yelled at her phone, doubting that it would help matters. But she didn't care. All she wanted was that Derek was with her, telling her everything would be okay. But that was not going to be happening, she was sure of that ...

Meredith anxiously and nervously waited for him to answer his phone but it went, like said before, to voicemail, even if she repeatedly called him. It was always the same, she was hearing his voicemail going on ...

"The participant you are trying to reach is currently unavailable.' A computerized voice said.

"You have reached Dr. Shepherd. I am currently not available. Please leave a message." Then it went to voicemail, this time it was Derek's voice, but not real Derek, just his voice telling her to leave a message. Meredith only reached Derek's mailbox. _Where are you, Derek_, she thought.

_Please answer your damn phone, Derek. I really need you to answer your phone. I am going crazy here._

She then decided to leave a frantic, hysteric message on his mailbox, hoping he would answer - despite knowing that he won't be able to hear her message when his phone has been destroyed in whatever happened.

"Derek. Here's Meredith. When you hear this message please contact me immediately. These people in D.C. say you never made it to your meeting. Please call and tell me you are somewhere safe and not ... Whatever happens, remember I love you." Then Meredith pressed 'end call'. She let the phone fall to the ground, it made noise when it hit the ground but the phone was the least of her worries now.

Why isn't he answering.

It can't be happening again ...

* * *

_Meredith and Derek were both lying in their bed, wide awake. "You want to go again?" He asked, panting. Meredith and Derek both smiled 'cause it was so damn good. Then they heard cries coming from their son, Meredith and Derek turned their heads in direction of Bailey's room. "I guess not, Bailey's up." Meredith said as she hears the cries of her youngest child._

_"Oh." Derek said. "What if I cancel my flight …" Derek suggested, leaning towards Meredith, they were happy, they were a happy couple again ... "I could come to the hospital before I go to the airport and we could find an empty on-call room …" Derek smiled at her dreamingly. "I have work to do." Meredith replied smiling, not wanting to show him how much she actually liked that idea - even if it wasn't realizable. "Aw, you know as much as I like that idea, it's just not feasible, Derek. I have work to do at work and I can't do you too."_

_"Okay, then it's settled, let's could go again …"_

_He was ready to start, when Meredith loudly exclaimed: "No, you are terrible influence, absolutely not." With that she gets up, saying with determination in her voice: "We're getting up now." Derek looked at his absolutely hot wife. But Derek stayed in their bed, smiling to convince her to come join him … "I know." Meredith said smirking, eyeing that husband of hers._

_"Why don't you make yourself useful and go change Bailey's diaper." Meredith's eyes sparkled when said that. "Uh-" Derek sighed when Meredith threw a Bailey's baby-phone at him. "And you are terrible." Meredith's voice slightly raised. She threw one of their pillows at him. Derek just laughed in reply, pushing the pillow away from him._

_"Have fun changing your son's diaper." She mouthed._

_"I am gonna go shower." She smiled at him, obviously trying to seduce him. And it worked. Derek shook his head chuckling while he watched his wife disappear for the bathroom. While he is the one to change Bailey's diapers when he could have joined Meredith in the shower which was far more appealing than changing dirty diapers – but hey, McDreamy, changing diapers is part of parenthood!_

_After Derek had changed Bailey's diapers he put his son in the high chair. Meredith already prepared the breakfast for their little one. It was carrots. Then Derek Shepherd walked into the kitchen, fully clothed._

_"Have you seen my phone?" Derek asked as he walked into the kitchen. Meredith glanced at him while mothering Bailey, frowned and then she said: "Well, Derek, it's in your hand." She was pointing out the obvious but what she didn't know at the time that Derek didn't meant that phone, he meant the phone he got from the president. "Not this one. This one's mine, the government wants theirs back, I need to return it and I don't know where I put it." Derek explained the ongoing situation to Meredith. "Have you checked the couch cushions?" Meredith asked as she started searching for Derek's other phone._

_While doing that, she called out for Zola: "Zola, hurry up honey or you won't have time to eat breakfast."_

_Then she asked Derek if he was nervous. "Are you nervous?" "Well, maybe I end up going to prison if I don't return the phone. I mean I don't go to prison for that, right?" He wanted his wife to reassure him that he won't go to prison even if he can't find the phone. "No, I meant resigning." She told him with a wide smile, unable to contain the happiness about Derek resigning and coming back to her and their kids and the dream-house that Derek built for their family to live in._

_"I mean giving your job up isn't a small thing to do …"_

_She didn't complete the sentence._

_"Oh it is …" Derek replied, still searching for the phone. "… in comparison to everything here, it is." Derek said reassuringly, while Bailey was face down in his food what nobody seemed to notice what Bailey was doing._

_"But Derek …" Meredith tried to say something. "Meredith, I meet with the president's council in the morning and give them my final report and official accommodation and then I am done. I'll be home before you even know it." He said, coming toward her. She smiled at him, catching herself thinking, that this was too good to be true. Her husband, the love of her life was finally coming home._

_"It's time. It feels good." He said, feeling relieved about the fact that he can go home to his wife, that isn't obligated to stay in Washington D.C. _

_It's unbelievably freeing – for both of them. He took a big sip of his coffee. "I just wish you could be home already." Meredith said longingly. "I know, I feel that feeling too. But you know, I'll be home before you know and then you know we'll have a lot you know, Starting-fresh-sex." Derek smiled at his wife. "Derek." Meredith scolded. "Little ears in here."#_

_ "Sorry." He apologized but smirked while he said that. Suddenly they heard a key in the door. Surprised, they looked up. Amelia entered the house._

_"Oh, you're here?" Amelia said surprised as she opened the front door._

* * *

_13: 59 p.m._

She leans against the cold, hard wall and closed her eyes for a moment. It was quiet, nobody was here. Just her and a nice, cold, dreary room. Realizing that she had no one, she broke down. Somehow, she finds herself crying. She suppress the sobs but she couldn't … She couldn't lose him again, not after they were just being happy after all that happened?! He was supposed to fly over, go to that meeting and then come back ...

Why wasn't this happening, why wasn't he answering his phone.

She was now sobbing uncontrollably but was trying to calm down but didn't really succeed. Memories of the plane crash flooded her brain. Lexie, her sister, dying, trapped under a heavy piece of wreckage, Derek breaking down in front of her and Cristina, Arizona's cries, Mark tamponading ... they had to improvise an 18-gauge and she was the one who had to do it. Meredith shook her head. She wanted it to stop. She had no idea how much time had passed since she was hiding in this closet. And she didn´t care. She wanted Derek to be here, safely. Maybe she exaggerating, maybe not.

Only time will tell.

In this moment, someone entered the supply room, apparently needing something. Light fell into room, Meredith looked up for a moment, hoping whoever this was wouldn't see her.

Light flashes through the supply closet. A person came nearer, she only hears footsteps, then a voice.

"Is someone here?" A voice asked.

Meredith leaned her head on her knees, suppressing a sob. It can't be happening all over again ... But whoever came in here, heard her. "Meredith?" Someone asked, said her name and it was most certainly not Amelia. It was a male voice. "Meredith? Is that you?" The voice asked.

Now Meredith knew who it was: it was Alex. In the next minute he was kneeling down next to her. "Hey, do you want to tell what is going on, Mer?" He gently asked. For a moment, Meredith didn't answer. "Meredith." Alex gently nudged her shoulder, trying to get her to talk. "Derek." She finally croaked out. Alex looked at her for a moment.

What did he do now? Alex asked himself. But Meredith never went forth with explaining, leaving Alex in the dark about the occurrence. About what had happened to Derek. About what maybe happened to him and that's what was freaking her out ... "Meredith what is going on? You can talk to me. Is it Derek, what is going on?" Alex asked worriedly.

"It was D.C. They told me he never made it to the meeting, he was supposed to be meeting with them and give them his letter of resignation ... They wanted to know if he was here or if I heard something from him."

_He never made it to his meeting._

_He could be dead ...  
_

Meredith's breathing quickened at that thought. What if it was his plane that crashed? They'd experienced something like that befor, the only difference is to their situation now was that they were in a plane together and it crashed- Now she was facing the possibility that Derek'S plane crashed, somewhere between Seattle and D.C. or they lost contact with the tower or the ground personnel whoever is responsible.

If he plane crashed there was nothing she could do to help him. 'cause she was here and he was probably in the middle of nowhere.

It'd be ironic if he survived a plane crash, but dies in another plane crash. That'd be really ironic.

"So what you're saying is that Derek's gone AWOL?" Alex asked. "Seems like it, I mean cell goes straight to voicemail, Alex ... he was supposed to come back, it wasn't supposed to be like this - me worrying about his whereabouts. I know Derek, he'd never miss something like that without a valid excuse. He'd called, but he didn't and I am going crazy here, I mean, the ..." Meredith started rambling.

"It'll be okay, Mer. You don't know what is. Maybe his flight got delayed or something." Alex said. "Have you tried calling him?"

"No ... uh, yes but it went straight to voicemail." Meredith said. "He is not answering his phone. We just got back together, we are happy again. This isn't what I think it is. That his plane never landed. Owen got the same message as our plane crashed. I know it, Boise Memorial had called him when we never showed up ... what if this is the same, just that it's D.C. instead of Boise? What if his plane is ..."

"Mer, you should stop. This isn't good, you are making yourself crazy. Of course I am going crazy. Derek never showed up."

Pause.

"He's freaking missing. His damned phone doesn't work or is dead and I am freaking out ..." "Yeah, I see that." Alex replied bluntly. "This is not helping." Meredith replied, closing her eyes for a moment.

* * *

**A month ago, you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play? That's up to you.**

* * *

**The years we spend as surgical residents will be the best and worst of our lives. We will be pushed to our breaking point. This is the starting line. This is our arena. How well we play, that's up to us.**

* * *

_"We live here." Derek replied. "But you had a flight and you were going on and on about having an early surgery scheduled." Amelia was rambling, clearly nervous._

_"My point is you're not supposed to be here."_

_Amelia first pointed at Derek, then at Meredith. She covered her nervousness with flashing a smile. Meredith and Derek were both looking at Amelia._

_"My surgery got pushed back. Weren't you wearing that yesterday?" Meredith asked suspiciously but widely smiling._

_Amelia gaped at them with a half - open mouth. Before Amelia had the chance to answer, Owen opened the front door. "Amelia, you forgot your ..." He stopped in the mid-sentence when he saw Meredith and Derek standing there and watching them. Amelia looked to Owen, then back to Meredith and Derek._

_"Hey, ah …" Owen stuttered, taken by surprise._

_He most certainly hadn't expected Amelia's family to be there when he came to visit her or whatever._

_"I was just …" He pointed towards the door. Derek watched them, visibly amused by the scene. He turned to Meredith who just stared at them in shock. Even Bailey stopped eating his carrots and looked at Owen and Amelia. "I was just … her cell phone."_

_Owen handed Amelia her cell phone. "Thank you." She said widely grinning. "Yeah …" He said, turning to leave. But Derek had other plans. "Who wants breakfast?" He asked. "Anybody?" No answer. "We have coffee …" He offered. "I … I should probably go. I am gonna go." Owen suggested to end this awkward situation and with that he turned to go, closing the door behind him. Amelia didn't know what to do, this was really awkward. Then Bailey made some sounds, saving Amelia from her brother and sister in law._

_"Hey, little guy." She exclaimed and went to high chair, taking Bailey, saying: "Let's find your sister and …" Bailey was babbling some incoherent words while Amelia carried him away._

_When Amelia left the kitchen Meredith turned to Derek, making a face: "So your sister and Owen? Really?" Meredith asked and looked at her husband. "Yeah, she told me last night." Derek explained while putting on his coat. "You knew that your sister's doing Owen and you didn't tell me?" Meredith inquired him, eyeing him. Why did he hide that information from her? "I was supposed to tell you that?" He asked dumbfounded, not daring to look Meredith in the eye. "Yes." She replied, her eyes sparkling._

_"I don't remember where I put my phone and now have to remember someone else's sex life?" He answered back flabbergasted. "Oh, I gotta go ..." But instead, Meredith came nearer to his body, Derek asking: "Oh you wanna go again? Huh?" Meredith didn't answer, in that moment she pulled Derek's lost phone from his pocket. She chuckled as she held it up._

_"Oh. Hey, that's my phone." Derek replied and he and Meredith kissed._

_Then they parted and Meredith said: "You know, I wish you could stay or I could come with you or something." Derek already opened the door. "I'll be back soon and you know that." Derek assured her. "I know, I know." Meredith followed him to the door. "I just feel like I just got you back and now you have to go and I have to stay here …" Meredith rambled a bit. "I'll be home before you know it, Mer." Derek smiled his McDreamy smile. Then they kissed - for real kissed._

_„This is my last trip and then I'll be back for good." Derek said, smiling at her. Meredith smiled at him, the thought of Derek being back for good was amazing. "I love you, you know that, right?" Meredith looked at him as he came nearer and nearer and finally their lips met – they kissed, as in really must part ways with her now though. There's the little matter of resigning from a presidential post in DC. "I just feel like I'm losing you again after I just got you back." Meredith told him her thoughts. Derek replied: "You won't lose me, you won't ever lose me ..." Meredith smiled at him. Then Derek said smiling: "Wait right here. Wait for me. Stay here." It were the exact words he was saying before he went to break up with Rose, after she built the house of candles where their real house is now ... Meredith smiled as she watched Derek leave, already thinking about when he comes back to her.  
_

* * *

_14:02 p.m._

Alex and Meredith were still hiding in the supply closet. Meredith didn't want to come out of hiding. But it seems like the universe had other plans with them. "He isn't answering his phone." Meredith stated a fact. "Have you tried contacting the airport, finding out whether the plane landed in Washington D.C. Maybe that's what you should have done before starting to freak out."

"Thank you for your support." Meredith replied sarcastically.

"You're really helping me. But calling the airport is a good idea. Maybe I really should have done that. But don't you think the D.C. guys checked that before calling me?" Meredith asked. "If they had they would have told you everything they knew and since they haven't told you that it might be good to check." Alex answered. "But they needed a reason to call this hospital ..." Meredith thought out loid.

"The reason for them calling this hospital is that he works here and chances are that he might still be here ..." Alex slowly said. "Yeah, I know that." Meredith replied.

"And stop jumping to worst-case scenarios."

"You weren't on that plane, Alex. I've lived through that nightmare before. Planes crash, more often than you think ..." Meredith looked over at him for a moment before thinking back to the perfect morning they've had before everything else started. In a matter of hours, everything changed. It only happened in an instant before everything else came crashing down on them.

They were just living their life and now _this _although she had no idea what this was, threatened to end it all. Or it were her strong emotions reminding her of everything that happened ... about two years ago. And now Derek was missing.

"So, McDreamy is missing?" Alex said, "Is that what we're saying." "I ... I don't know." Meredith stammered helpless.

She knew that this doesn't have to mean this but somehow she feels that it has something to do with the flight and the plane and all. In this moment, their pagers interrupted their conversation. "Oh, crap, they're paging us. Yours is beeping too, right?" Alex asked, scanning his pager. "Yeah, mine is beeping too. It says we should come to ER, apparently something big."

Alex stood up, then he helped Meredith up and both surgeons jogged along the floors in order to get to the Emergency Department. When they came there they already a that there was a major chaos. Many people with injuries, and more ambulances were to come. "Woah. What happened?" Meredith asked, her heart beating hollowly in her chest.

**"Plane crash."**

Owen answered her question as he ran past her, pushing a gurney.

"A small plane crashed in Seattle. We've got more incoming's and we're nearly swamped ..." And then he barked out orders.

Meredith was frozen when she heard that. She only heard the word plane crash. All memories from the plane crash came crashing down on her. Then again, the question where Derek was, she wandered through the woods, desperately searching for Derek ...

_"Derek ... where's Derek."_

Her mind flashed back to them being in the middle of the woods, away from any civilization. It was just them and the forest, the wrecked plane and the sky ...

_"... the freaking sky is falling."_ Somewhere a patient was coding. Meredith was frozen. What if it was ... no, don't even go there, Meredith Grey, she told herself. "Grey, I need a hand over here." Bailey called over to her, noticing that she was standing there, in the midst of sheer chaos.

At first Meredith didn't register that Bailey was talking to her.

_"I don't know why this keeps happening, we keep dying." Cristina goes on._

"Meredith." Another voice was talking with her. "Meredith, move out of the way." Now she recognized April Kepner, one of Grey Sloan's trauma surgeons and finally she moved aside. She had to pull herself together. "You can you can do it?" Suddenly Alex was next to her, touching her shoulder. "Yeah, I am good." Somehow he didn't believe her, but did he have a choice.

"I am good. Bailey's calling for me." Meredith told him and went over. Alex wasn't sure if it was good if Meredith was in an OR today. Derek was missing, he never made it to Washington D.C. He feared she could be suffering from flashbacks. Maybe it wouldn't be very foresighted action allowing them stepping into the OR today.

"This day's crap." He mumbled before being called over to a peds case.

* * *

_14:37 p.m._

"We need to book an OR." Bailey said, looking Meredith over she shoulder as she did the abdominal ultrasound. "Yeah, there's free fluid around the liver and the spleen. We may need to perform a laparotomy ..." "Oh, no." Bailey said as she watched the patient's heart monitor. "Crap, he's tachycardic, he is getting unstable. Quit CT, we're moving him up now."

"Wait." Meredith exclaimed. "He's crashing."

As soon as Meredith had completed that sentence their patient started to deteriorate. His heart rate went up and his blood pressure down. "Heartbeat's up to 200, and is still going up." Meredith said alarmed, her gaze on the heart monitor. Then, everything went fast. Bailey defibrillated him once, twice. After the third one he was back.

"Okay, now move." Bailey said as she pushed the gurney out of the trauma room.

Outside the trauma room was still chaos, people were running around, the TV was on and people were shouting, crying. There were lots and lots of patients. "Then, we've got more incoming." Someone called. A few doctors ran out to the entrance to wait for the ambulances to pull up ...

Meredith only had one thought: **Derek**.

Where was Derek? He should have been back by now.

Before Meredith and Bailey entered the OR, they were scrubbing in. After a while, Bailey noticed Meredith was acting somewhat not like her old self. As if something big is going on. "Derek missed his meeting in D.C." Meredith told Bailey about what happened.

"I haven't heard from him." Meredith added, it was clear that she was worrying - who wouldn't be?

Her husband was missing.

And nobody has heard from him since he departed for the airport.

She turned around, a mixture of disbelief and worry covered her face. But mostly it was disbelief that Meredith saw in the face of her mentor. She didn't speak out the words that they all feared: "He never made it to D.C." Because that's what it's mostly likely meant. That his plane crashed. For a second time.

But the universe can't just be that cruel, right? But somehow it tends to be cruel.

* * *

_Amelia Shepherd silently went over to refrigerator, ignoring Meredith completely. Meredith had no idea what was going on. She took out an apple, turning to leave the room and then changing her mind. "Look, I appreciate that you want to look out for Owen but who I see is none of your business." Amelia stated, blindsiding Meredith with that._

_"Wow." She said surprised. "Okay. I was only trying to …"_

_But she had no chance finishing that sentence because Amelia was cutting her off: "I moved here to start something, to build a new life. You don't know me... Not really. You don't know where I've been or what I've had to overcome, because you have never had to. You've never lost the love of your life. You have never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. You... You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that. But I have. I'm still trying to pull myself together, and I am doing the very best that I can, so... Until you've done that, until you've had to walk in my shoes, I need you to cut me some slack... And back the hell off." She said before leaving the room. Meredith only watched her going away …_

_But Amelia was wrong or at least partly wrong, she knew what it was like._

_She had lost too many people in her life … for one, Lexie who she had grown to love, who was, is her little sister and then losing Derek on several occasions that had all to do with Seattle Grace Mercy West, now Grey Sloan Memorial … After all, she offered her life to a gunman so that he wouldn't shoot Derek for a second time (which he wouldn't have survived)._

_She was ready to take a bullet for Derek, anytime._

_But apparently, Derek had never told her what happened in that OR and before that. Her fears that that nightmare she had would come true and that he would die before her eyes … that she would lose him, she almost lost him at too many occasions. The shooting, the plane crash … only to name two._

* * *

_"Hey, can we talk?" Owen walked towards Amelia who was standing near the nurses' station, typing in her pad. But their conversation was interrupted by a nurse who called Amelia's name. "Dr. Shepherd, you have a call on line four." A nurse called Amelia over, holding a phone in his hand. Meredith was sitting there, looking for something in someone's patient chart. "I gotta get that." Amelia said to Owen. Amelia made her way over to take the call. "Hello." She said, waiting for whoever this was to reply._

_"Oh, no, sorry, you want the other Dr. Shepherd." She stated, the cell phone pressed against the ear._

_"Here's his wife." Amelia said concluding and handed the phone over to Meredith who was sitting there, working on the computer. "Hi, this is Dr. Shepherd's wife. No, he's not here. Can I take a message for him?" She asked while searching for a piece of paper, some post-it note or anything that goes that way and a pencil to write something down. She starts writing something on a paper, the pencil scratched on the paper._

_Then she exclaimed in surprise, straightened herself: "Oh, I thought he was there."_

_"Okay, sure." She replied to whatever they said on the other line._

_"Okay, no problem, thank you." Amelia watched Meredith, scribbling something down, waiting for her to end the call and spill what was going on. "Bye, bye." She said before finally ending the call and put it back. "What was?" Amelia asked as soon as Meredith ended the call. "Uh, nothing." But Meredith's voice clearly showed that it was definitely not nothing. "It was just the White House calling. Derek never showed up at his meeting this morning." Meredith answered. "Uhuh." Amelia looked at her._

_"I am sure his flight got delayed or something."_

_Meredith waved it aside, pushing her real feeling aside as well. She wasn't calm, at least not at the inside. She couldn't help but worry._

_She then left, smiling at her although her smile was somewhat forced and bizarre. On the place where she worked was a notepad with the name 'Derek' followed by a question mark._

* * *

**Derek?**

* * *

_Meredith was screaming Derek's name into the woods as she searches for Derek: "Derek! Derek!" She was frantically searching for Derek. Cristina was too. Cristina rambled on and on about the fact that these situations keep happening to them of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital: "I don't understand how this keeps happening." _

_It was clear that she was suffering from PTSD like she did after the shooting where she saved Derek with a gun to her head. Meredith, not quite registering what her friend was saying, told her: "Cristina we have to find him." Cristina said again: "I'm serious, I don't understand how this keeps happening." _

_Meredith was incredibly worried about Derek, the question where he was, was constantly circling through her mind: "We have to find him because I don't think he went for help." _

_Cristina exclaimed loudly: "We keep dying. We're in a plane crash Mer, like right now." Meredith called out: "If he went for help, if Derek had gone for help, he would have sent a message or something. I mean we have to find him, something is wrong." Both women kept talking and talking but neither of them registered what each other was saying. Cristina talked: "I'll tell you one thing. When we get out of here, I'm getting the hell away from Seattle Grace Mercy Death and I am never looking back." Cristina talked to herself while Meredith was occupied with worrying about the whereabouts of her husband. _

_She can't lose him too, not after she lost Lexie. _

_Then Meredith said crying: "Cristina, I think Derek is dead. He would have come for us by now, he definitely would have come for us by now, I think he's dead. And Lexie's dead. My husband and my sister are both dead and we are going to die out here too! We are going to die out here –" Meredith shouted, having some kind of nervous breakdown. Cristina pleaded: "Keep it together, keep it together." Both Meredith and Cristina were stumbling through the woods, desperately searching for Derek. _

_"No you keep it together!" _

_Meredith shot back, almost crying. Cristina, her voice nearly hysteric, stopped her friend's freak out: "I'm trying! Keep it together anyway, keep it together anyway." She repeated it a few times. _

_Meredith said with tears in her voice, quietly: "My sister is dead."_

_ Cristina repeated quietly: "Keep it together anyway." Meredith who started to lose faith in the world, asked: "Do you think Derek is dead?" Cristina answered her friend's question, her voice shrill: "I don't know, maybe but I've got PTSD so you know I'm not reliable." It was just them and the forest, some wreckage from the airplane was lying around on the ground but neither of them could see Derek. Meredith, still crying a bit, said: "Cristina, you are still my person, even if I'm not yours." Cristina: "Meredith, Meredith –" Derek's voice: "Meredith!" That was his voice. Derek. He was alive. _

_Meredith and Cristina looked up to see Derek stumbling over a hill, wounded. Derek was smiling faintly, looking as he was on the verge of collapsing: I heard your voice, I thought I was dreaming. That's when he collapsed unconscious. Cristina exclaimed shocked as Derek fell: "Oh my god!" Meredith gasped when she saw what was happening. Derek was on the ground, seemingly unconscious again._

* * *

_15:45 p.m._

"By five p.m. if you haven't heard from him, you can worry." Bailey told her as she and Meredith were operating on a patient. "That's in fifteen minutes," Meredith glanced at the clock, couldn't help but worry. "Until then focus on your patient." "But what if it's too late then?" Meredith asked. operating on some plane crash victims ... "You have to keep faith, Meredith. He always comes back."

"This isn't some relationship drama we're talking about, this is about a possible plane that crashed and it had Derek on board with it." Meredith's voice got louder asshe keeps having flashbacks.

_Arizona was screaming loudly, Lexie trapped, Derek breaking down in front of her and Cristina._

_"We keep dying Mer, we keep daying ..."_

_"Keep it together."_

Meredith's breathing quickened as she got hit by flashbacks. "Are you sure you're okay to operate? Or should I page someone to take over for you." Bailey asked, watching her former intern attentively while holding a scalpel in her hand, ready to make the first cut. But right now, it was just hovering above the patient's skin.

"I'm fine, really, Bailey. I am ..." Meredith stammered.

Bailey snorted in response.

"You really want me to believe that, Grey?" She asked.

Meredith never answered that question, she stared down at the patient who they were about to cut open.

"You are not fine. You just told me that you haven't heard from your husband in what, six hours? That you got a call that he never made it to his meeting? You are not fine, Grey. Don't lie to yourself." Bailey scolded her.

"Wilson can take over for you if you need to, Grey." Bailey offered. "I can take it."

"Okay, if you say so." Miranda Bailey glanced at her. Meredith seemed composed but that was just facade. But a few hours into the surgery, Meredith's concentration wore off. They were coming nearer five p.m. and she still hadn't heard anything from Derek. Her gaze went up to the clock, it was half an hour after five now.

She still hadn't heard from Derek. He could be dead by now and she didn't know about it.

* * *

_Where is Derek?_

_Will she ever see him again? Will their kids grow up with or without a father? Where was Derek?_

Meredith gasped. She couldn't be in that OR any longer. "Someone take over for me."

"Wilson, step in for Grey:" Bailey ordered. Meredith only heard her voice faintly, she blocked it out. As in trance, she left the operating room. Alex was right she shouldn't be operating right now. This was all a giant mistake.

_Derek ..._

"Where is Derek." She mumbled as she stumbled against someone- "Meredith." The voice said causing Meredith to look up at her. "Maggie." She murmured. "Is it the plane crash? Some may have mentioned that you were on a plane that ... is it the palne crash?" Maggie wanted nothing more than being there for her sister but she knew that in this situation she couldn't ...

"Where's Derek? I can't reach him, he isn't answering his phone."

"Who isn't answering his phone." Maggie asked.

"He never made it to D.C., Maggie, he could be dead. And I don't know it." Meredith stared at her sister. "Why isn't he answering his phone, is he somewhere driving without reception, I mean that doesn't make sense. What do I do if his plane crashed? I mean even FAA can't tell me anything, I called them, they don't know whether the plane landed or not ..."

"Hey, Meredith. Calm down. I believe this what you're going through isn't easy but I really need you to calm down now." She said, then pulling her into a hug. Meredith felt it strangely comforting in this situation.

* * *

_But there was still is question about Derek's whereabouts ..._

* * *

**Did you say it? "I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life." Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.**

* * *

_A/N: This oneshot is based on the promo of 11x20. I hope you liked it. I'll try to update Holding On And Letting Go as soon as possible. Thanks for reading. And I loved that MerDer-kiss in the beginning of episode 19. Also, they smiled- as in really smiled. I am relieved that they finally figured this out. I just hope Shonda doesn't kill Derek ...  
_

_Please review._


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